I’m not sure anyone can say this enough … and maybe we, as a society DON’T say it enough. So, in case we haven’t heard this lately:
Abusers are Losers.
There are a lot of excuses for abusive people:
“He was angry.”
“He’s addicted to alcohol/drugs, he can’t help it.”
“She’s so annoying; of course he hit her.”
“He can’t help himself.”
“He grew up in a bad home.”
“What did she expect when she got with him?”
“She’s stressed out. Why did he keep pushing her buttons?”
Why do we say these things? Why do we excuse abusers over and over again?
Let’s go over these excuses, shall we?
“He was angry.” Ooookay. Do you hit people when you’re angry? If you do, you’re an asshole. If not, then see? You can control yourself. Anger isn’t an excuse.
Let’s move on.
“He’s addicted to alcohol/drugs, he can’t help it.” Guess what? There are people addicted to alcohol or drugs or both who don’t emotionally abuse their partners. They can control themselves. If they can, then using addiction as an excuse is what abusers do to get out of taking responsibility for their actions. They can control themselves, they just don’t want to.
“She’s so annoying; of course he hit her.” I’ll bet you have a coworker who is annoying. Do you hit them? If you have kids, well, it’s a given they’re annoying. Do you hit them? No. You control yourself. No matter how annoying that cop is, you don’t hit him. This is another excuse that lets the abuser off the hook for the abuse. It’s not okay. No matter how annoying someone gets YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO HIT THEM. Same goes for a person in an intimate relationship.
“He can’t help himself.” What the fuck ever. That’s one friggin’ dumb excuse, isn’t it? It even sounds dumb. He can help himself. He can figure out how to turn it off when the cops show, can’t he? He can help himself when it’s time for court. That’s a bull shit excuse.
“He grew up in a bad home.” So? Really? This is the excuse you give? Please. It insults every kid on this planet that got hurt in their home and vowed never to hurt anyone else.
“What did she expect when she got with him?” Not to be beaten, that’s what she expected. How hard is this to understand? No one wants to be hurt. (The people who like pain with their sex are more into consent and respect than abusive assholes ever will be.)
“She’s stressed out. Why did he keep pushing her buttons?” I don’t care how stressed out she is. She’s a grown-ass adult and she can damn well keep her hands to herself. I don’t care how many buttons your partner pushes, you don’t get to hurt them for it. If you’re so damn sensitive, you need to check yourself before you wreck someone else.
There are ten million excuses people make on behalf of abusers, not counting the ones they make for themselves and they are all bull shit.
Abusers are losers. They aren’t cute. They aren’t disturbed. They aren’t a redeemable diamond-in-the-rough. They’re just assholes and losers.
Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.